


Brownie Points

by kisahawklin



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, Community: sga_flashfic, F/M, M/M, Multi, Plot What Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-24
Updated: 2008-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-14 04:11:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As they lounged against a pile of satiny pillows in the antechamber, John couldn't help noticing McKay's face going redder and redder as he flipped through the booklet of instructions they'd been given. John hoped it was something that was only going to fluster McKay and not everyone, because he really hated making shit up on his mission reports.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brownie Points

John had known something wasn't right the second they stepped out of the gate. It was indoors, for one thing, something they hadn't encountered previously in the Pegasus galaxy. For another, the building looked like a high class brothel. A lot of dark red color, silky window coverings, and an impossibly good-looking woman in a corset named Meela to greet them. _She_ hadn't shown up onscreen when the MALP came through.

As they lounged against a pile of satiny pillows in the antechamber, John couldn't help noticing McKay's face going redder and redder as he flipped through the booklet of instructions they'd been given. John hoped it was something that was only going to fluster McKay and not everyone, because he really hated making shit up on his mission reports.

Rodney sat down suddenly in that surprisingly sharp way of his, and John thought, not for the first time, that if McKay could use his agitated nervousness for hand-to-hand combat, he'd be unbeatable just based on the complete unpredictability of his movements.

Rodney took out a pen and started doing calculations in the margins of the paper, and that was never a good sign. John got up as gracefully as he could manage and sauntered over to where Rodney was softly mumbling to himself.

"...considered receiving?" McKay mumbled. "Do you have to..." Rodney looked up at him and tipped the sheets of vellum into his chest so John couldn't read them. "Yes, Colonel?" he asked, and if John's eyes didn't deceive him, Rodney's blush (which had been fading as he worked on the math) returned angrily. His face was a splotchy white and red mess, and his eyes looked worried but not distraught. Nothing life-endangering, at least. It was a start.

"Just wondering what we're waiting for. Cleansing ritual before we can speak to the leaders? Purification fast before we can leave the... uh... temple?" The impression of a brothel hadn't left him as they'd been escorted to the Room of Many Pillows.

"We, um. Have to pay a toll for using the Stargate," Rodney said, and his face went red again. John had an urge to steal one of Rodney’s gestures and pinch the bridge of his nose. Instead he crossed his arms and took a deep breath.

"Well, it can’t be too bad, right? We got these neat bracelets out of the deal." They had been given the bracelets on their arrival and Rodney had nearly had an aneurysm – they were made of naquadah.

"Yeah, about that. They’re to make sure we don’t back out." Rodney was fast becoming tomato red.

"Of?" John asked, because even if he had warning bells going off in every square inch of his body, McKay wasn’t freaking out so he couldn’t, either.

"The… uh… toll," Rodney said, glancing around to make sure he had Ronon and Teyla’s attention. "It’s…"

 _Jesus christ,_ John thought, _if it’s not life-threatening, it can’t be that bad._

"It’s a sex tape."

John’s mind blanked. They wanted porn? Well, Rodney could take hours of it off the server. There was plenty on flash drives too, he knew a couple of marines that had a nice little black market going that he’d conveniently turned a blind eye to. "So? So we get them some porn, it’s hardly like–"

"Colonel," Rodney said, with an air of patience that he rarely exhibited but still translated to _you’re being an idiot_ , "a sex tape of _us_."

John glanced at Ronon and Teyla, who both looked grave but not upset, and Rodney, who looked embarrassed but far from pissed off. "No," John said. "No, we’ll just call Colonel Carter and–"

"That will require another toll. Which we’re going to have to pay, since in twenty minutes we have to check in and there’s no way we’re going to be able to–"

"Then we wait for reinforcements."

Rodney’s blush faded as anger took over. His face went back to pinkish-pale. "And they will have to have sex too. Do you really want two teams of your marines to have to have sex with each other?" Rodney plucked at the bracelet on John’s wrist. "Sends out an electronic pulse if you use the Stargate without permission. Might be a light shock, but it's a hell of a lot more likely to fry your arm."

"We could tell Sam to send a jumper to pick us up," John said, and the desperate edge in his voice was bordering on hysterical. He knew he should be keeping it together, like Teyla or Ronon, or at least as well as Rodney.

"It would take days, Colonel. The nearest Stargate is too far away, and we have to pay the toll for coming through in the first place – so we might as well do the extra two sex acts to get us and the MALP back through the gate."

 _Sex acts?_ John wiped a hand down his face. He was absolutely not going to panic. Clearly McKay had been working on a plan – to circumvent the bracelets, probably. "What were you working out?"

"It's based on a point system. Coming through is a point per person. The MALP counts as two points because there was no explanation and it’s not a living creature – which is ridiculously illogical, the MALP should be a half-point since it’s not alive, though I suppose we should just be glad we don’t have to have sex with _it_ –"

"Rodney," John warned, keeping the scientist on track.

"Right. So, a point to dial out for check-in, that's easy enough. The MALP's arrival is two points, ours is four, and when we leave with the MALP, six. I've calculated the easiest way to take care of this all, including three variables: they require each person to give and receive pleasure, Teyla's pregnant and shouldn't be penetrated, and you need to stay as close to heterosexuality as the situation allows." Rodney's face was almost completely back to normal, the blush dying down as he reduced the situation to its mathematical components. The fact that he had considered Teyla's pregnancy and the American government's policy on homosexuality was something John simply should have expected.

"I thought you were working on a way to get the bracelets off."

Rodney looked at him critically, as if revising his opinion that John had any sort of intelligence at all. "First of all, I am not giving these up. I plan on reverse engineering one the second we get home. Second, _naquadah_! Clearly it's indigenous here if they've got everyone here running around with the bracelets on. We need to make sure we have enough time to look around, see if it's worth–"

"Worth making more sex tapes for?" John asked. Because it didn't matter if the planet was _made_ of naquadah, he wasn't going to make anyone else go through this, and he was definitely not planning an encore performance.

"Worth the trip by jumper, you ass," Rodney said, and John felt distinctly out of his depth. Why wasn't Rodney more upset about this? He might not understand Satedan or Athosian sexual cultures, but he's pretty sure he knew Rodney's sexual code didn't include a blasé attitude toward making porn with his teammates. He'd have to come to grips with the fact that he was the team prude.

"So. Combining the one point for check in and the two points for the MALP, then we need to do three separate sex acts. We get a point for Teyla being pregnant," Rodney said, glancing at her, and Teyla smiled as if she was pleased, "so if you go down on her while she’s laying back on Ronon, that's three points right there." Rodney glanced over at John, and even though John had very carefully arranged his face to remain neutral, something fired in Rodney's brain.

"Oh god. You don't know how to get a woman off." Rodney made it a statement of fact, and John tamped down on his first, blindly violent reaction.

"Yes I do," John said coldly, and before he could defend himself further, Rodney was off on a ramble, and John was left helplessly trying to catch up.

"No, I mean with your mouth, and of course you wouldn't bother to learn how to do that, you have women throwing themselves at you, you probably don't have to do more than smile at them." John opened his mouth to say something, anything, but the entire English language left him. "Fine, I'll teach you, but you better credit me every time you do it from now on."

John looked at Teyla for help. She wouldn't be okay with being used as a teaching tool, right? Rodney hadn't even–

"Teyla, do you mind me teaching the Colonel how to pleasure you? I know it might be awkward, but I promise I'm very good at it."

Of course, Rodney's good at it, Rodney's good at everything. Teyla nodded solemnly and of all things, Ronon piped up. "Do I have to hold her for the teaching part?" he asked, and Rodney scrutinized him closely, and John could tell he'd gained a point or two in Rodney's overall tally.

"No, she can rest on the pillows," Rodney said thoughtfully. "But I want you to credit me too. I better get a reputation out of this, if nothing else."

"So," John started, not quite believing Rodney wasn't going to get them out of it, "we really have to do this? There's no way to... disable the bracelets or or or –"

Rodney gave him a withering glare and John shut up. "Four points is trickier but can be done with Teyla, Ronon, and I, but I’m afraid we’ll have to have all four of us to make six points, and…" Rodney hesitated and the blush crept up his face again. "And you’ll have to not be with Teyla."

John opened his mouth to ask what that meant, or he thought that’s what he might ask, but nothing came out. His closed his mouth and opened it again, and still, nothing.

"Don’t worry, I’ve figured out a way to give you deniability and add a point to our total, so don’t worry about the whole homosexual thing." He turned on Ronon. "You don’t have anything against having sex with a man, do you?"

Ronon shook his head and John finally found the power of speech again. "I don’t have… I don’t have a problem –"

"Yes you do. It’s called 'your government.'"

"I hardly think my superiors are going to get a hold of a sex tape I made in the Pegasus galaxy." And that was just one of those sentences he wished he could have gone his whole life without saying.

"And yet," Rodney said, "better safe than sorry."

"I’m telling you, Rodney, I don’t –"

"End of discussion, you idiot," Rodney hissed. "I don’t care what your sexual preferences are, and I _really_ don’t want you to tell me, because then I can go into any debriefings later with plausible deniability. I don’t know if you’ve noticed my complete lack of a poker face, but–"

 _God damn it._ "All right, I get it." John covered his eyes. "So what, exactly, does it take to get six points?"

"Spit roasting," Rodney answered, and oh god, John was not ever opening his eyes again. "With a blindfold for you and a side of Teyla so we get her bonus pregnancy point."

If John were the fainting type, he’s pretty sure that would have been enough to do it.

***

They gave Meela their booklet back, and she and Rodney discussed the agreement with their heads bowed over a datapad that Rodney seemed to be picking things out on, like a la carte menu. After about five minutes, Rodney came back to join them and they walked to the Stargate to check in.

"We only have an hour to prepare after we do our check in, so you better be a quick study," Rodney said, and then went on to remind John not to set another check in for at least twelve hours so they could get out and search for naquadah after their session.

Somehow John managed to make his voice sound normal on the check in and secure a twelve hour window from Sam, which he almost hoped she would nix, especially when he said in no uncertain terms that no other personnel were to come through the gate. Rodney jumped in with a sarcastic comment about babysitting, glaring with all his might at John, and Sam laughed it off and told them twelve hours would be fine.

Teyla and Ronon had gone ahead to check out their practice room, and John pulled Rodney aside in the hallway to see if he couldn’t convince him to try again on the naquadah bracelets.

"Come on, Rodney, you can’t tell me these stupid bracelets have defeated you."

"It would take days to work a way around them," Rodney said, raising an eyebrow, "and seriously, if they have enough naquadah to be using it for decoration, they’re people I’d desperately like to get along with."

"Why are you so calm about this?" John demanded, and when Rodney grinned, he knew he’d let too much slip.

"Having sex with three people I love? Where’s the problem in that?" Rodney settled an eerily knowing gaze on him. "I suppose some people would rather screw any old space bimbo they can get their hands on."

"This doesn’t bother you? That’s _Teyla_ , you’re going to… to… to… put your mouth on."

"She’s not the only one," Rodney muttered, and John’s mouth dropped open.

"Seriously, how can you be so… _okay_ with this?"

Rodney shook his head, and the mix of emotions crossing his features made any single one tough to interpret. "I told you, we’re team. I trust all of you and it’s not like I get a whole lot of sex in the off-hours." He started walking again. "If it means anything, I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable. I’d find a way to do it without you if it wasn’t one of their rules."

That bit of news made John uncomfortable in about fifty different ways, so he changed the subject. "You know, there’s not really a problem with penetration during pregnancy. It’s not bad for the baby or anything."

Rodney stopped and John missed it for a step or two before he turned around to see where Rodney had gone. "It’s not about the fetus, you idiot," he said, rolling his eyes. "It’s about Teyla. The father of her child is missing. I wanted to make this as unobtrusive as possible for her, including giving her an excuse for not participating… um… fully."

John had a sudden swell of affection for Rodney. It was easy to forget that Rodney, he of endless self-involved ramblings, could be sensitive to other people's feelings when it mattered.

"Is this going to mess things up?" Rodney asked. "Are you going to have some kind of trauma? Because maybe I could find a loophole. Or we could say you’re, I don’t know, a holy man or something…"

"No," John answered, though he thought he might be seeing a psychiatrist forever after this. "I can do it."

Rodney looked him up and down. "If it helps, you and Teyla won’t have to be naked."

"Not really," John said, "but thanks. Can we just get this over with so I can get a head start on my everlasting embarrassment?"

Rodney shrugged and lead the way to their holding pen.

***

After Rodney had Teyla remove her underwear (and bunch them up into one of the small packets of Rodney’s tac vest, something John absolutely had to remember later, because having one of the marines find those on a later mission would not be good), Rodney settled her on the pillows, folding over little ones to fit under her back, and setting up large ones behind her so she could sit up a little.

Teyla had her feet flat and her knees up, and looked like she was ready to give birth. The thought sobered John, a blessing since he thought he might start laughing hysterically at any moment. Ronon was sitting on his heels at Teyla’s hip, and Rodney knelt between Teyla’s legs and pushed her skirt up slowly, revealing her untamed pubic hair. John was never a fan of over-shaving down there, but he had to admit, since he’d been to Pegasus, he could appreciate the look of the good ol' landing strip.

Rodney started simple, cupping her almost entirely with his hand, the heel of it on her mons, and his fingers dragging along her labia and up toward her clit. Her eyes went to half-mast immediately, and for a second, John thought she might be sleepy. Ronon’s quiet hum and nod of appreciation snapped him out of it, and he noticed Teyla had raised her hips to meet Rodney’s fingers.

"Pay attention, Colonel! I’m not doing this for my health."

Teyla grinned for just a second before opening her mouth in a gasp as Rodney repeated his cupping gesture, dragging his fingers over her again. He knew objectively that Teyla was beautiful; anyone with eyes could see that. The rising color in her cheeks and the pleasure in her face made her look beyond beautiful, some otherworldly creature bestowing a visitation upon mere mortals.

"John," Rodney said, and John jerked his gaze up from Teyla to look at him. "Give me your hand."

John blinked several times, finally able to convince his synapses that yes, he did want to give Rodney his hand. He raised his hand slowly, and when Rodney finally took it, he yipped. Or maybe yelped.

"Your hands are freezing!" Rodney complained, and set to massaging some warmth into John’s fingers. John looked down, watching Rodney briskly rubbing his fingers. This was taking a turn for the surreal, and he wondered if he was ever going to be able to climb out of the hole he’d fallen into. "There," Rodney said, taking John by the wrist and setting his hand on Teyla, fingers curving gently against her labia.

John could feel his face heat up, but he forced his fingers to follow Rodney’s directions, though Teyla’s reaction wasn’t as startling. "Too light," Rodney said, and pressed his fingers on top of John’s. John’s dick jumped, and he swallowed reflexively. Right, pressure. Teyla closed her eyes and threw her head back, and John swallowed again.

"Okay," Rodney said. "Warm up your other hand while I show you this."

John rubbed his hands together, the friction grounding him for the moment. He watched as Rodney took his thumbs and ran the length of Teyla’s labia, down, then up. One thumb passed over Teyla’s clit and then he repeated the motion. John watched, mesmerized, as he did it twice more, and Teyla’s hips tipped up. John knew that signal, and he smirked, back on solid ground.

"Stop _smirking_ ," Rodney said, "and try this."

Rodney backed off to give John access, and for the first time he noticed how widely Teyla’s legs were spread. Thank god she was so limber. John laid on his stomach, so Rodney could see over his head, and followed Rodney's movements exactly. Down, then up, one pass over the clit. Teyla squirmed. "Not so hard!" Rodney admonished. "Her clit is extremely sensitive."

John nodded and tried the move again, smoothing his thumb over her clit gently, and the smell of her became suddenly overpowering. He repeated the gesture twice more, and could hear the hitch in her breath each time he gently circled her clit.

"Good," Rodney said, throwing a leg over John's back and almost _sitting_ on him. He waited to feel Rodney's weight, grateful for the opportunity to tilt this whole bizarre situation back to teasing. Rodney’s weight never settled, though, he simply hovered over John, grabbing his hands.

"Now pull her apart gently," he said, hooking John's thumbs over her labia and spreading them, "and test the waters with your tongue. Here," he pointed to her clit and ran a line down to the opening of her vagina, "feel that, get the textures in your head."

John licked his lips and leaned in, running his tongue up Teyla, tasting, testing. The textures _were_ different. The couple of times he had tried this, he had been distracted by Nancy's bitter complaints about how he tasted afterward. He didn't understand not enjoying someone's mouth on you, or thinking your own taste was gross, but he assumed it was just different with women. Teyla moaned softly, tipping her hips up again, and John licked another stripe up her flesh.

"Okay, okay, enough already," Rodney said, and tugged on John's shoulder to get him to back up. Rodney stood up, and John slithered backwards between his legs and moved to Teyla's side.

"Time," Rodney said, and John glanced at his watch. _Shit_ , it'd been thirty minutes! Where the hell had the time gone? "Thirty minutes, Rodney."

Rodney nodded, and spread Teyla's labia like he had shown John. "Let me get a feel for things, and then I'll let you finish."

The straightforward talk about Teyla's impending orgasm made John twitchy. He shifted forward, putting the heel of his right hand on his rapidly hardening cock, willing it to calm down. Rodney closed his eyes as he put his mouth on Teyla, and she lifted herself off the pillows, her hands reaching for Rodney. He and Ronon intercepted her, trying to keep a clear view, though they couldn't really see what Rodney was doing.

Teyla lowered herself back down on the pillows, and began to shake uncontrollably, breathing out low growling noises. Rodney surfaced for air, his chin and upper lip shiny. He grinned in his lopsided way and waved his hands in his irritated 'hurry up' flap. John got up and switched places with Rodney, lying on his stomach again, grateful for the pressure on his growing erection. He hadn't checked out Rodney or Ronon, but if they weren't hard at the sounds Teyla was making, at the smell of her, then clearly they were dysfunctional.

Rodney wiped a handkerchief over his face, and sat at Teyla's side, tucking her leg between his right arm and his ribs so he had a hand free to gesture at her vulva. "It's a balance thing," Rodney said, pointing at Teyla's clit. "You can only get in five or six strokes on her clit before she gets too sensitive, and then you have to switch to her vaginal opening." He pointed. John remembered, that was the smoothest part, his tongue practically skated into her there. "But don't stay too long, only a stroke or two, then take the long way up to her clit again."

John nodded, pulling Teyla open and licking her from bottom to top to get his bearings. He lapped at her clit, and sure enough after four or five strokes he could feel her shift away from him. He trailed his tongue down to her vagina and poked it in, and Teyla let out a long shapeless sound that made his dick sit up and pay attention. Lying on it was no longer entirely comfortable.

He could hear Rodney's instructions, vaguely. "More time on the clit now," and "slower, harder." Mostly though, he could feel Teyla's body shift under him, feel her clit swell and taste the difference in her musk, especially when he dipped his tongue into her vagina. He could hear the soft 'oh' sounds she was making, and it all pulled together into something he could understand, something he could _read_. He knew before Rodney told him that he needed to switch to her clit, and that she was ready to come if he could keep up the rhythm and pressure. He was starting to doubt it; his tongue was tired, and damn if he was ever going to admit _that_ to anyone.

"Perfect," Rodney said, and put a hand on John's shoulder, pulling him away. For a moment he strained to get his mouth back on her, and Teyla's outraged, "What?!" made him feel a little less pathetic about that.

"He's got it now," Rodney said, offering his handkerchief to John. It was folder over and neat, and it freaked him out how much that reminded him of his grandfather. "And you've got two orgasms ahead of you. This was just a warm-up."

Meela appeared at their door, smiling brightly. John would have been embarrassed at the smell of sex permeating the room, but he supposed she was used to it. He wiped his face on Rodney's handkerchief and before he could do more than wonder what the etiquette for handkerchiefs was, Rodney held out his hand for it. John gave it back to him, and he folded it neatly and put it in his pocket.

"If you are ready," Meela said, and retreated into the hallway. Ronon and Rodney grabbed their tac vests and other equipment, and John said a little thank-you to the team-watching gods because there was no way he could think of anything but spreading Teyla open again.

***

Meela handed a small woven basket to Rodney and led them to a room nearly identical to the previous two rooms, stuffed with pillows and covered in thick white carpet. It looked like a stage for a bad 70s porno. John didn’t see any obvious cameras or other recording equipment, and with the heavy wooden door Meela closed on them, it felt almost private.

Rodney busied himself preparing Teyla as he had before, a steadying hand on her back as they waited for Ronon to strip. Ronon took his clothes off quickly and plopped down behind Teyla, his long legs bracketing her hips. Rodney backed off, moving to the corner of the room to wait his turn.

 _Showtime_ , John thought, and knelt in front of Teyla.

John pushed the silky material of Teyla's skirt up her thighs, appreciating the sound of her sucked in breath almost as much as the silkiness of her skin. She settled back against Ronon, and guided his hands to her breasts. Ronon immediately cupped them and stroked his fingers over the leather material of her top. It took a minute for John to stop staring at Ronon's hands on Teyla's breasts and get to work.

He skipped Rodney's opening gambit in favor of running his thumbs up and down her labia, which seemed like it would be plenty of foreplay since she was already moaning in long strings of unending vowels. He inched in closer, waiting to smell her before he made his move. Ronon found her nipples and she gasped in a high-pitched breath, twisting her hips slightly and dislodging John's fingers. John took that as his cue. As soon as he put his tongue on her, she scooted down the pillows and shoved her pussy in his face. He wasn't quite ready for that, and thank god Ronon had good reflexes, because he hauled her up by her rib cage and John got his nose and mouth free to suck in a breath.

His mouth and tongue were doing the work now, so he let his hands snake around so he could circle her thighs with his arms, keeping her from moving too drastically against him. Ronon started back in on her nipples, and she rocked her hips, a smooth rhythm up into his mouth and then down away from him. John timed his movements away from her clit to match her movements, and the sound of her moans escalated as she started to shake under his hands.

John could feel it, the long slow build to her orgasm. His orgasms tended to be intense, a short ride in a fast machine. Hers were more like a long ride in a boat on the ocean, the waves building and building until they finally got big enough to come crashing down. He could taste the difference right before she came, something he had never even considered before, something that made him want to try this on any woman that would let him, to see if he could unravel the mysteries of their bodies as he had Teyla's.

John continued to lap at Teyla's labia and occasionally her clit after her orgasm, smiling when she spasmed under his ministrations. She didn't stand for too much of that treatment, putting her hands on his head and shoving him away after three aftershocks.

John pushed back on his knees, grinning like a lunatic at Teyla. She gave him a shy smile as she pulled her legs together and turned on her side to curl up against Ronon. Ronon ran a hand down her back, long soothing strokes, and he wasn't smiling at all. The strangeness of the whole situation came back to John and when Rodney came over and offered his handkerchief, John had to close his eyes and concentrate on not throwing up into it.

Rodney took John by the arm and led him over to the corner, settling him on the big pillow he had pilfered for himself. John wiped his face, but he thought it would be days before he got Teyla's smell out of his nose. He curled in on himself, thankful for the respite from the sexual activities as he watched Rodney bustle back to the center of the room to arrange Ronon and Teyla, brusque but careful hands guiding their bodies.

Teyla was laid down on her back, a thick purple pillow under her head. Her right leg was flat and her left was bent, which John didn't understand until Rodney shoved Ronon into position. He rested Ronon's head on her thigh, laying on his side, and Teyla's bent leg hooked over Ronon's shoulders, pulling his body in toward her like a magnet.

Rodney shoved Ronon back gently, not allowing them to close the circuit. "Have to make room for me in here," he said sarcastically, and Teyla's face mirrored John's own feeling of admiration for how Rodney was guiding this misadventure, putting everyone at ease and getting it done.

Rodney came back over to the corner where John and their gear was stowed, and crouched down to pick out several things from the basket Meela had given him. He shoved them into John's hands with a rough, "Here, hold this," and then stood and pulled his shirt off. John looked down at the phallic object and blinked. A naquadah dildo. Before he could even process that, a now completely naked Rodney took it out of his hands, along with the jar of sweet-smelling ointment and a thin looking sheath that might have been a native condom.

Rodney briskly rubbed some of the ointment on the dildo as he walked back over to Teyla, and handed it to her, saying something in a low voice that John couldn't catch. Teyla nodded at him and Rodney smiled affectionately down at her before kneeling down awkwardly and working the faux-condom onto Ronon. He shoved Ronon away from Teyla, stretching out his own body between them until his head was right at Ronon's groin - _oh shit_ John thought, and pressed a hand against his dick - and his back was to Teyla, his ass close enough that she could reach it without straining herself.

John's mouth went dry and he brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He'd never gone in for porn, didn't understand the point of watching other people having sex when you could just go out and have sex yourself. Watching his teammates being intimate was a different experience entirely; knowing that Teyla was ticklish and watching Ronon make sure he used enough pressure not to make her laugh made it all seem like so much more than sex.

Rodney putting his mouth on Ronon's cock, and the way Ronon writhed, one long wave down his entire body, made John hard enough that the way his balls were being crushed in his current position was unbearable. He straightened his legs, undoing his belt and unzipping his BDUs to make things slightly more comfortable. When he glanced back at his team, Teyla was gently pushing the dildo into Rodney, and Rodney's back was arched in a surprisingly graceful arc.

Ronon had shifted, his left arm pillowing his head as he worked on Teyla with his tongue. She was shuddering and John knew, as if he had been having sex with her for years, that Ronon was keeping her just shy of an orgasm on purpose. He shifted his attention to Rodney's blowjob, and he couldn't really see what Rodney was doing, but the way Ronon's back and ass moved in time with Rodney's head meant he was clearly as good at fellatio as he was at cunnilingus. A stab of jealousy made John close his eyes, trying to remember that this wasn't good, he wasn't meant to know these things about his team.

He got his emotions under control and opened his eyes in time to see Teyla's back arched, the top of her head touching the floor, the pillow that had been under her pushed off to to side. John shifted, torn between a feeling of loss for what he missed and a sickening sort of gratitude that he only had to watch her come down from her orgasm. Teyla's body settled like water, one of her hands resting on Ronon's dreads and the other pulling the dildo out of Rodney and setting it aside before patting his hip. Rodney covered her hand with his own and pulled his mouth off Ronon, curling into the fetal position as Ronon removed the sheath.

As soon as Ronon wriggled his way out from under her legs, Teyla curled around Rodney, resting her cheek on his hip. Ronon scooted across the floor to wrap his long body around them both, and John was drawn to them like a moth to the flame, settling on his knees in front of Rodney and putting his hands on Rodney's shoulders.

"You okay, buddy?" John asked, and he was pleased that it didn't sound any different than the hundreds of other times he'd asked after Rodney's well-being.

"Fine," Rodney said, uncurling some. "Not quite as young as I used to be." He sat up a little, resting his weight on his forearm and putting a hand on his lower back. "We should keep moving. We're almost done." John nodded and stood up, offering a hand to help Rodney up. Rodney waved him off and worked his way to standing, groaning as he rolled his shoulders forward.

Teyla and Ronon were still curled around each other, silent but watchful, and John crossed his arms, determined not to be the one with issues, at least until it was all over. Rodney patted his arm patronizingly and John gritted his teeth as he waited for instructions. As usual with Rodney's plans, nobody knew what the hell was going on except Rodney.

Rodney laid Teyla down on her back, propping her with pillows and asking her quietly after each one if she was comfortable. Once Teyla was settled, looking for all the world like she was about to take a nap, he took several more pillows and arranged them on her right side. John had no idea what was about to go down, but it seemed a little odd that so many pillows were necessary.

Rodney led Ronon to the pillows by his wrist, and told him to kneel on the pillow that was next to Teyla's legs. Ronon knelt obediently and Rodney knelt down in front of him, his knees on a bolster that ran perpendicular to Teyla at her hipline. He put a new sheath on Ronon, and John could not take his eyes off Rodney's adept hands as the rolled the not-condom down Ronon's dick. Ronon put his hands on Rodney's shoulders and let his head fall back, a long low growl escaping him.

Rodney squeezed Ronon's hips and told him to stay, something that anyone else would probably have taken as an insult. Ronon seemed to take it as an order, his body still but pulsating with suppressed energy. Rodney stood and fixed a stare on John. John swallowed convulsively, wondering what could possibly be in store for him.

Rodney strode over purposefully, and John was far from body-conscious, but there was no way he could act so _normal_ if he had been in Rodney's state of undress. He wondered briefly if Rodney even realized he was naked. Rodney picked up the basket and braceleted John's wrist with his fingers, pulling him across the room to Ronon and Teyla like he was a petulant child.

"On your knees," Rodney said, and John went down with a fluid motion that flustered a gasp out of Rodney. John felt insanely proud of himself for being the one to break Rodney's unflappable composure.

"Well, well, well, Colonel," Rodney said, nudging John a little further from Teyla's head with his hip, "you have a few hidden talents." John smirked, but didn't meet Rodney's eye. Instead, he looked straight ahead, and was greeted with a Ronon-sized statue. He didn't think Ronon had even blinked since Rodney had told him not to move.

Rodney shoved the basket against John's chest and let go suddenly, so John had to make a grab for it so the jars and condom-things didn't fall out. Rodney pulled out a silky black strip of cloth, smoothing it between his hands. John looked up at Rodney, only now remembering Rodney's mention of a blindfold.

"I don't want to," John said, surprising himself, because part of him really _did_ want to. It would be a lot easier to fake himself into believing it wasn't Rodney, that it was some woman, any woman. This felt like cheating somehow.

"Sorry, John," Rodney said, and stepped behind him. He closed his eyes while Rodney tied the blindfold on, wishing he hadn't said anything, wondering why his normal ability to be stupidly sarcastic in the face of danger had deserted him.

He could feel Rodney move around him, his body heat blazing. He opened his eyes and wasn't surprised that there wasn't much to see, except a thin line of light at the bottom of the blindfold. John was grateful for that much because he was starting to freak out a little. He hadn't realized how important it was that he had eyes on his team.

"Teyla?" he asked, and was reassured as he felt her hand pat his thigh.

"I am here, Colonel." Her voice was soothing, the same calming note as when she dealt with difficult negotiators. "Do not worry."

"I worry, it's my job," John answered automatically. "Talk to me."

He hadn't expected Teyla to follow his order by giving him a play by play, but it was surprisingly calming, the words making the acts feel far away, separate from him.

"Rodney is putting the sheath on Ronon, and using the ointment." John felt his dick twitch again, and the yo-yoing of the last hour or so had really been a bitch on his balls. They were aching. Teyla's hand rubbed his thigh, smoothing the material of his BDUs and bunching it up again, both soothing and arousing, a reaction his brain was having a tough time with, though his body seemed to understand just fine.

"Colonel," Rodney said, and his voice got nearer as he spoke. "You're going to be touched in a moment, I don't want you to be spooked and take a swing or anything."

It was a good idea, warning him, and John wondered if maybe Rodney had more experience with blindfolds than he had originally given him credit for. John turned his head, putting an ear toward Rodney. The blindfold shifted ever so slightly, and the gap at the bottom became big enough that if John looked down, he could see his own body. It wasn't much, but it was comforting.

Determined hands pulled his BDUs and boxers down, and John would have known it was Rodney from the no-nonsense style of the actions even if he hadn't been able to get a glimpse of Rodney's strangely oversized diver's watch. He took a deep breath in, singing Christmas carols in his head and shutting his eyes as Rodney put a condom on him with sure, swift movements.

Rodney was gone as quickly as he had come, and John felt the loss of body heat in the area right in front of his body. He hadn't realized how hot Rodney ran, something he'd have to remember on those camping trips when they had to trek days away from the gate and sleep on the cold ground.

"Teyla?" Sheppard asked, clearing his throat when he heard how desperate he sounded. She started rubbing his thigh again, and picked up the play by play as if she had never paused.

"Ronon and Rodney are joining... it will take some time, I think, for them to achieve complete penetration for Ronon."

John swallowed. His traitorous dick went rock hard again, and he considered giving it a vicious squeeze for its treachery. "Do not worry, Colonel, Rodney does not seem to be in pain."

That was an odd description. He hadn't actually considered that Rodney would have sex with Ronon if he didn't like being penetrated. Was this his first time? Years of emotional stuntedness kept the question behind his teeth, but he wished Teyla would explain further, would let him know that Rodney wasn't just taking one for the team. He had thought Rodney was going to enjoy this.

He risked tipping his head back to see if he could glimpse Rodney and Ronon, could convince himself that this wasn't going to hurt anyone. He could see them, Ronon's hands on Rodney's hips, gliding into him smoothly. There was no noise from either of them, and that scared him - he had never really thought about it, but he assumed Rodney was talkative all the time, sex included.

"Rodney?" John asked. "Buddy?" _Please let me know you're okay over there._

Teyla's hand squeezed his thigh reassuringly, and he heard Rodney's words without having to strain, though they were whispered. "Here," Rodney said, his voice surprisingly sensual, sending a new shock wave to John's cock. "I'm good, Colonel."

That was the understatement of the year. John had never realized how central Rodney's voice had become in his understanding of whether or not a situation was tolerable. "Okay," Ronon grunted, and John was struck by the fact that he knew, without a doubt, that Ronon was exercising extreme self-control. If he had heard it in any other situation, he would have thought Ronon was being tortured.

"Colonel, you will need to move yourself forward," Teyla said, and tapped his thigh. "Stand, and I will move the pillow for you."

Getting up was much harder than going down, not only because the blindfold messed with his equilibrium. He set his right hand down and lifted his knees, staying in a crouch. Teyla shifted the pillow forward and returned her hand, to the back of his thigh this time, gently nudging him forward. "You will know when you have moved far enough," she said, and there was amusement in her voice. He tipped his head back again and kneed forward, a few inches at a time, waiting for Rodney to come into his inadequate field of vision again. When he did, John was knocked breathless by the look of concentration on his face.

Rodney reached a hand out for his cock, and Ronon breathed out Rodney's name at the exact second Rodney put his lips on John, and for a second everything went completely black. Then John realized he had closed his eyes, and opened them again. He looked down at Rodney's mouth on him, and it was the relief that flooded his system at seeing Rodney's eyes closed, obviously enjoying himself, that kept him from coming at that moment.

The soft rasp of material against his skin stopped, and John turned his head to make sure Teyla was okay. Her head was turned away from them and her eyes were closed, but she looked peaceful. John followed the line of her arm and it became clear she was giving Rodney a hand job. John tipped his head back enough to see Ronon, and between the feel of Rodney's mouth on him and seeing Ronon slide evenly into and out of Rodney in perfect time with Teyla's hand on Rodney, he had to clench his eyes shut again.

As soon as the input from his eyes was gone, a whole new world of sounds washed over him. He could hear Ronon breathing in and out, a low rumbling undertone to every breath. He could hear Teyla humming something under her breath, and he wanted to kick himself for not picking up on her discomfort earlier. He heard Rodney only in the shift and slip of his skin, or his and Ronon's dicks moving in and out of him in a hypnotic cadence.

John could smell them all too; Teyla's scent lingered in the air, but Ronon's sweat had joined it, as well as his own musky arousal, the one he only ever caught a whiff of when he was making friends with his right hand and let his mind wander beyond the space bimbos Rodney accused him of wanting. The only scent he couldn't seem to latch onto was Rodney's, and he opened his eyes to check on him again.

John never thought he was that visual of a person, but as soon as he looked down at Rodney's mouth on his dick, he went right over the edge and came. Rodney moaned around him, and the sound sent a jolt of pleasure to the base of his spine. Rodney put a hand on his hip to pull himself off, and John nearly doubled over at the intensity of it.

His hands were fisted at his sides, and he unclenched them, the joints stiff and aching. He wanted to put a hand on Rodney, but the way his face contorted - _so strange to think of that as beautiful_ -John didn't dare. He stretched his fingers, waiting, and listened to the Rodney's rapid breathing and surprisingly high pitched sex sounds.

John closed his eyes, let the noises wash over him as he got his own breath back. Rodney began a littany of "yes, yes, yes," and John's dick felt like it might have been interested again, if it was twenty years younger. He waited, and found that hearing Rodney's voice was enough to keep him from utterly freaking out. They were almost finished, he could let Rodney enjoy himself, tucking it inside to deal with when they weren't on a foreign planet with a society that had coerced him into having sex with people he considered family.

He heard Rodney come, and Ronon too, though he hadn't been sure about that until all the sound in the room stopped. He heard Rodney moving around and itched to take off his blindfold, but figured Rodney would take care of that for him. He waited as he heard Rodney shuffling around on the pillows in front of him.

The door creaked open, and he took it off and went into a crouch, pissed at himself for not thinking to have his gun close at hand. Maybe sex really did make you stupid.

It was only Meela and handful of others, bringing in wash basins and pitchers and towels, as well as a couple platters of food and some strong smelling ale-like drink. She chattered away with Rodney, who looked worn around the edges, but was managing to keep his cantankerousness to himself, looking exactly the same as always, despite the fact that he was naked and pink all over. The contingent left with several bows, and John wandered over to the table to take off his faux-condom and give his groin a sponge bath.

The rest of them did the same, and John could feel it getting strange already, like the air was getting too thick to breathe, like the words he wanted to say were choking him.

"They've given Teyla a room to rest in," Rodney said, pulling his boxers up. "I thought she could use a nap."

John closed his eyes and rested his chin on his chest. Rodney's thoughtfulness shouldn't have surprised him anymore, but it always did.

"I thought Ronon and I could go out and look for naquadah, and you could hang out with Teyla." No one stays alone. It was his own rule, enforced strictly since kidnapping had become a surprisingly popular tactic with the cultures in the Pegasus galaxy.

"I could help you look," John offered, not willing to examine the many reasons he preferred to be up and moving rather than watching Teyla sleep. "Ronon could watch Teyla."

Ronon gave him the stinkeye for that, but he shrugged and said, "Whatever," like Sheppard knew he would.

Rodney finished dressing, facing away from them all. "No offense, Colonel, but I think I'd prefer Ronon's company."

"Oh," John said, stung. "Well, yeah. Who wants to have an actual conversation while they're looking for naquadah?"

"Excuse me," Teyla said icily, "but I do not require sleep. We can all go and perhaps reduce the time it takes to go back home."

John turned to look her over, and she was clearly exhausted. Rodney had turned around to look at her as well, raising an eyebrow. "Nonsense," he said, "you're exhausted. You should sleep." John had to admit Rodney's steamrollering sometimes worked out better than tactful suggestions, especially where Teyla was concerned. She was as stubborn as Rodney when she put her mind to it.

"I'll stay," Ronon said, throwing his shirt on over his head. "Sex makes me sleepy."

"Fine," John said, "that's settled." He and Rodney finished gearing up while Ronon and Teyla repacked their bags and made sure they had everything they came with. John didn't miss Teyla tucking the naquadah dildo into her backpack, and he really hoped that it was meant as a gift and they weren't walking off with something sacred or revered or something.

They all escorted Teyla and Ronon to their room which looked much more like a nice hotel and less like a brothel. The bed was high off the floor, with white linens and no more pillows than a normal bed. "Sleep well, kids," he said, "and at least one of you keep your radio on." Ronon frowned at him and John was certain he wasn't going to be doing any sleeping. He wasn't sure if it was Rodney or himself who had been tricked, but Ronon had maneuvered them easily, including Teyla, who curled up under the covers, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.

***

A quick scout around town showed that there really was naquadah everywhere. There were ridiculous amounts in the mountains to the west which they hadn't even mined because their was a vein in the foothill in the center of town they'd been digging around in for centuries that showed no signs of running out.

It had been surprisingly easy to slip back into teasing banter with Rodney as soon as they were tromping around outside, fresh air clearing his mind in a way nothing else ever did. They spent half an hour wandering around before John called it and decided they should just go home and work on making the trip by jumper, maybe move a gate to the next planet over or...

The thing about Rodney's strange brand of bravery was that it always took you by surprise. And when he stopped walking and turned to John with a serious face, John groaned inwardly and kept himself from rolling his eyes by pure dint of will.

"How freaked out are you?" Rodney asked.

"I'm fine, Rodney, let's just get back to the brothel so we can get home."

The avoidance approach never worked particularly well with Rodney, who considered his answer briefly and then seemed to dismiss it. "I think," Rodney said, "that you should freak out with someone present. I was hoping it would be Teyla - even if she was unconscious - but I'm..." Rodney cleared his throat. "I'm here for you."

There was no way that John was going to be able to contain his laughter at that little gem. Rodney McKay, there for him. It was an afterschool special gone horribly wrong. He kept it behind his teeth for all of two seconds before he couldn't contain it any more, gut-busting laughter rolled out of him hard enough to make tears roll out of the corner of his eyes.

"Oh, that's the thanks I get for trying-"

"McKay," John said, getting his laughter under control and swiping at his eyes. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine. Really." He poked at that statement a little more. There was some lingering awkwardness, especially when he thought of Teyla, her legs spread wide to him, or Rodney's mouth on his dick, but he was surprisingly okay wth the whole situation. It was just one more level he knew his team on. One he hoped he'd never have to illustrate _ever_ again.

Rodney stared at him for a full minute, and he stood his ground, decided. He loved his team, they loved him, it all worked out in the end. Eventually Rodney nodded. "Okay," he said. "Now about the trip by jumper..."

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of team AMTDI, set in the back half of season four. I have no idea where this came from, and I'm blaming it all on the sga_flashfic challenge. Beta by the lovely and wonderful [](http://the-wanlorn.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://the-wanlorn.livejournal.com/)**the_wanlorn**.


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